Today’s guest post is from Marie McKinney-Oates of McKinney-Oates Cereal, a blogging newlywed and relationship counselor.
“Have you started your…”
Mark won’t acknowledge my period with words. He just squinches his face all funny.
“No, and I was actually making a point not to think about it, ‘kay?”
I really hadn’t thought about it very much. I have never ever had an irregular cycle. Ever. I was so regular that I never even bothered with marking dates on calendars and such. It was always 10 days after an ugly cry and 2 days after homicidal cravings for cheese sticks. I trusted that it was just a matter of time.
And then the weekend passed. Nothing.
I refused to think about it too much. Thinking would cause stress, stress would cause even more lateness, and more lateness would cause… well, more lateness would make me cry. “Woosah,” I whispered to myself every time my mind raced with thoughts of unplanned parenthood.
On Tuesday I was panicked. March 31st and nothing. I had less than 24 hours before I went an entire month without a period. I gave up on “Woosah” and started having internal cussing fits every 15 minutes. And then I would silently reprimand myself for cussing while with child. What kind of mother are you, I’d ask myself. And then I’d start cussing again at the word mother.
My entire world became colored with pregnancy symptoms. The flowers in our lobby that I can never smell? I kept getting huge whiffs all through the day. Was that my super powered pregnancy nose? The past weekend spent turning our dining room into my own little office/workspace, is that me nesting? Already?
After starting a small fire in the break room because I had tossed a foil wrapped chicken wrap in the microwave (pregnancy absentmindedness, perhaps?) I cried to my co-worker, Tina, “I think I’m pregnant!“
“Umm, I’m sorry, what?!?”
I recounted everything I’d been fretting over. She suggested I run to the store and get a test. I thought it was a good idea. So I went. And sat in the parking lot for my entire lunch hour refusing to get out because “Wait, I think… I think… yes, I think I’m starting…that feeling has to be my period.”
See, I’ve never had a pregnancy scare before. Not a real one, anyways. I mean, I would tell The Guy I Used To Date every once in a while that I thought I might be late, but it was mostly to scare him. And make him say things like “I love you,” and “Of course, I won’t leave you if you’re having my child“. My level of maturity was untouchable.
Buying a pregnancy test would make this thought real for the very first time in my entire life. The thought of being pregnant. A pregnancy test would be like admitting defeat in a battle I didn’t even know I was fighting. Admitting that I might possibly be pregnant. I was overwhelmed with emotions at just the thought of the possibility. Angry at myself for going between awkwardly cussing myself out and smiling uncontrollably. Confused because part of me wants my period to start, and a tiny, little voice kind of hopes it doesn’t. Scared because if I’m not, do all these different emotions mean I want to be?
I decide to get out of the car and buy a test. As soon as I open the car door rain begins to pour down. Like God was crying. Crying because He gave the wrong person a baby. “Sorry, Dude,” I silently prayed as I walked in to CVS.
I waited until I got home to take it because I had dreams of what my first pregnancy test would be like, and crying alone in the office bathroom was not one of them. So at about 5 o’clock on Tuesday Mark and I found out that…
I’m not pregnant.
Thank, God. I think. I’m still confused about how I feel. Mark seemed relieved, but his goofy smile when talking about him getting up in the middle of the night to feed the imaginary baby let me know that he is as much on the fence as I am.
And after all of this, for the very first time in my entire life, I’m answering the word ‘baby’ with a solidly undecided ‘maybe?’.
It is scary and confusing to be faced with that one without planning it…hopefully you will have your planned time and get to enjoy it and not feel scared!
Andrea, the whole experience showed me how much I want to plan it. I used to think “Oh, if it happens it happens. No big deal.” But I’m pretty sure a huge life change like that needs to be thought about and planned out as much as humanly possible. At least, for me. Thanks for the comment :)
Huh, interesting post. I’ve never had a pregnancy scare and am currently in the process of trying to get pregnant, so this was a very engaging topic. Kudos!
I think it’s neat that this has opened you to the possibility of having a child someday, and even neater that Mark was supportive. I hope it happens for you when you’re ready for it!
You aren’t 27, by chance, are you? My baby debate began shortly after my 27th birthday. Before that — I was petrified by the thought of unplanned pregnancy. PETRIFIED! But now, I too think “maybe”. There is a real definite want and need for me. I’ve never noticed the clock ticking before, but now I can hear it loud and clear. The question I struggle with is “can I actually be ready for this?” Am I ready for a baby? How do you really ever know?
Erika, it was definitely an interesting way to get the conversation started. I was very surprised at how supportive Mark was. He doesn’t normally do well with “surprises” so I was glad that if we had turned out to be pregnant he had 9 months to get used to the idea. But he handled the potential baby very well :) And good luck to you guys as you try!
Carrie, ha, I’m 26, so very close :) That question about how to know when you’re ready was precisely why I took the stance of “if it happens, it happens”. I could not comprehend ever being able to say “I am ready” when it came to the topic of raising a child. I’m not sure how to get past “maybe”… maybe Erika (Parsing Nonsense) can give us insight on that one…
Ha! I remember having that conversation with Wes (mu husband) about when we were “ready”. I asked him “Exactly how do you know when you’re ready to turn your life upside down?”
For us, it was imperative that we had a few things checked off our list. We own a home, it has room for a family. We’re both employed and have been married long enough to have a solid grasp of how to handle our money. We’ve been married long enough that we feel we’ve had a chance to enjoy each other. We’ve raised and trained a puppy together. We’ve traveled.
I guess we just made a list of things that were important for us to accomplish before having kids and, now that all the items have been fulfilled, it’s easier to say “We’re ready.” Still, I’m not sure anyone is ever really ready for what happens when you become a parent. Again, how can you ever prepare for everything to change?
Uh…you’re supposed to take it with your morning urine…the pregnancy hormones are the strongest at that point. If this is recent, you might retest to be sure this early on.
My husband and I were married for four years and had a surprise pregnancy. She’s now 13 mos old and the best accident that ever happened to us. I thank God everyday for that missed BC pill.
I’ve ::so:: been there. Last fall I had to do the home test to make sure, and I felt so bad for my S.O. who was a nervous wreck that afternoon. I’ve never seen him like that before or since. He’s obviously not ready.
I had the “maybe” thoughts, but was decidedly relieved when I was finally certain I wasn’t pregnant, after a week of “what iffs.” Those home tests can be emotional life savers. Thank goodness for whoever created them.
Erika, I think that is a GREAT way to feel more confident in the decision to have kids. “Have we accomplished what we wanted to accomplish?” Mark and I can’t commit to a dog so we’re probably better off child free for right now. All we have are cats. Which are basically goldfish with fur.
Dusty, that is a good thing to add about the morning urine. I didn’t know that bit of info until the next day at work when my coworkers tried to tell me that I wasn’t out of the woods yet. Fortunately, I’m in the clear now. And congrats on your little girl!
Nicole, I think the anxiety of not knowing is the real killer. Most people are fine once they know one way or the other. I think it’s kinda funny how the thought of a baby has the power to turn men into an anxious mess.
Thanks for the congrats…glad you’re in the clear!
I’m now 19 and experiencing being a dad. I must say although it feels good it’s still hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but to be honest, the hard part is having to balance time. My daughter is great and makes managing her never dreadful. -Teen dad